How to Cope and Overcome Jealousy in a Relationship
Our emotions highest intention is always to serve us.
In a previous post, we talked about emotions and why we have them. Using an extreme example will allow us to get an even better understanding of why we have these emotions and why they serve us. Today we are going to talk about one of the far-reaching emotions, jealousy.
You see your partner being admired by someone else, they smile and somehow you just know that the other person would be totally interested in your partner. You feel a tinge of jealousy.
Maybe you act on it or maybe you don’t.
Or you have been on the opposite side of jealousy. For one reason or another your partner is jealous. Not having any other choices or options that they can see this person expresses their jealousy in anger.
This can be the worst, leading to arguments, fighting, and break ups. There can be a lot of emotional pain, confusion on why someone is jealous, and a myriad of many other negative emotions and consequences.
But why do we have these feelings of jealousy? If humans are intelligently designed and our emotions intentions are to serve us to live in better ways then why do these feelings of jealousy actually contribute to a worse life?
Jealousy is an incredible and deep emotion that is completely there for your benefit.
As stated in another post, our emotions are there to give us information about the situation. Having this information we have a better ability to take appropriate action, but often times jealousy doesn’t lead to appropriate action. We can change that. I’ll have more on that later.
At the moment of jealousy we feel this fear instinctively. Of course the emotion only comes from our thoughts, but this emotion is so deeply woven into our biology that the profound affect can touch someone at their core.
Seeing our partner with someone else, having a thought that the other person would be interested, or any thoughts of losing your partner is what will trigger this jealousy. It doesn’t matter whether it is a realistic thought that could actually happen or some made up fantasy in which you imagine you are in danger of losing your partner.
The emotion of jealousy communicates to the person being jealous that they are in at risk of losing their investment. Thousands of years ago, if we had a situation come up that gave us the thoughts that our partner was going to be lost to someone else, these feelings of jealousy would come up and we would take action.
We don’t have to act on these thoughts anymore.
Our emotions give us information. When we have the information we can let go of the emotion and make even better decisions coming from an informed yet unemotional place. So if you have jealousy you can be aware that you are having the thought and fear of losing your partner.
Now this fear goes so much deeper. One doesn’t have to be jealous if they are not fearful of losing their partner. Thus jealousy will come up as a non-issue if the person has no fear of losing them.
If jealousy comes up in your life, first ask where this fear is coming from. Is it rational? Does your partner put you in these situations where you feel you are walking on a tight rope and could lose them at any moment? This might be a relationship dynamic that would be more beneficial to move away from.
More often than not though jealousy comes from your own inner feelings and has the potential to be almost completely absent from a relationship. As we saw earlier, jealousy comes from thoughts about fear of loss. You feel jealous because you have the thought that you may lose your partner. If we lose those thoughts we don’t have to worry about losing the partner.
An insecure person is going to battle jealousy a lot more than a person who is totally secure in themselves. Being insecure leads to more thoughts and worry about not being good enough and leading them to think they could be replaced. Thus jealousy.
In a relationship where you are confident that your partner is yours and yours alone there will be less jealousy. This other person shows you that they are committed, they love you, and you believe them, then there will be a lot less jealousy.
With these things in consideration let’s take a whole new perspective on this relationship, one where jealousy can be truly absent.
You are secure and confident in yourself. You believe that you are the best person that your partner could choose, but not only that, you show up in life for your partner in just that way where all their needs and desires are met. Being with you is the best decision that your partner can make. Because you show up in this way, your partner shows you that they are totally committed to you and your relationship. You also recognize that there is an abundance of options for you and that you don’t need your partner, but rather you choose to be with them because they are special. In this way you are completely secure in yourself, your relationship, and have little reason to have jealous thoughts leading to those feelings.
Imagine the opposite of jealousy.
You are so secure with your partner and relationship that you want other people to compliment your partner (thus also complimenting your taste) because if your partner has the experience of someone else, it will just make you seem like that much more of a better option.
Jealousy will come up of course, but in this way it is a rare thing to happen, and knowing why jealousy comes up can empower you to take in the information it brings. You can then let jealousy go, as it doesn’t serve you.
I write this post on jealousy, but the core thoughts and ideas hold true for all emotions. Your emotions come from thoughts that are only trying to give you information so that you will be better able to live your life. Recognize your emotions because they serve you. Their highest intention is for your best interest. Knowing why they are there and what they are trying to do for you will serve you immensely.