So you have found yourself with an insecure man, what do you do now?
Sure we all have our insecurities, but I have found this to be the one that women hate the most. This is also one of the biggest problems that causes the most issues in a relationship.
What does it mean when someone is insecure?
Essentially, it means they are unconfident. They are protecting something, usually their position, and more than anything, they are fearful of loss. Being insecure means that they are not comfortable with the situation, whatever that is and this inevitably leads to the woman being uncomfortable as well.
If she can’t be secure with her man, what good is he?
As seen in a previous post, women prefer their men to be solid and dependable, like a ship. She needs a man that she can trust and believe in. Without this, she has to do it herself.
How does insecurity show up in relationships?
Usually insecurity shows its face as jealousy. Previously we learned how jealousy is just an emotion that serves a purpose. It shows itself so that you recognize a potential danger to keeping a person that you care about and the purpose of the emotion of jealousy is to protect that investment.
Commonly, I see this insecurity showing up with overbearing men making statements of control in order to get some kind of semblance of control or comfort in their relationship. At a nightclub, a man asks a woman who she talked with, what things were said, and any other questions that make him feel more comfortable or protected in the relationship.
The unfortunate part in all these is that he gains security through a woman’s words. This never works long term.
What do you do when faced with an insecure man?
If you have an insecure man that berates you with these requests for safety and security this can present a lot of problems.
First, he is now dependent on you and your actions for security. He must get you to comply with him and his wishes for him to feel secure in the relationship. This becomes very problematic when he sets rules up for you such as you can’t talk to any guys or you have to tell him about every conversation, friend, and interaction you have.
So, you do have the option of playing by his rules and assuring him that he is secure with you. This will be exhausting as it will never be enough for him. He will constantly ask you these questions and seek security from you, but the truth of the matter is that real security only comes from within.
Another option that you have is to recognize the insecurity for what it is. This is your partner’s issue to deal with and he will or won’t deal with it, but you helping him to deal with it as stated previously is not a desirable role to play in a relationship.
You do this by letting him deal with his insecurity. He can ask you all the questions that he wants about your relationship, who you talked to, what happened, but you have to maintain the standards that you want for the relationship. If you don’t want him bombarding you with questions about other men and unreasonable requests for a relationship then you have to choose not to answer these questions or engage in this behavior.
This is incredibly challenging especially if the standard is already acceptable for him to ask these nonsensical questions, but you cannot make someone trust you and you have to realize that.
Each and every time you answer one of these insecure questions, you reinforce the behavior and you show him that it is okay to ask more of these questions. In addition, he gets a positive momentary boost of security that shows him it is worthwhile behavior for him to be insecure. A more effective way for him to stop being insecure is for him to deal with it on his own.
The last way that you can deal with an insecure man is to cut him loose. Understand that as a woman, it is not beneficial for you to be with an insecure man. In the tribe, thousands of years ago, being with an insecure or an unconfident man would mean death. You have the choice to be with a man who is comfortable with himself and who can lead the relationship or one that isn’t even so sure of himself.
Imagine the opposite side of insecurity. What if you had a man that was so secure with himself that you could feel totally confident in your relationship, you didn’t have to worry about him interrogating you and the relationship ran smoothly?
A simple yet profound comparison
The comparison I always make is that of two men who see their women getting hit on at the bar. The first one fills up with jealousy as he watches angrily. He sees her laugh and then she even politely dismisses the bar guy. However, when she comes back to her man he angrily engages his girlfriend (punishing her positive behavior of dismissing the would-be suitor) and pulverizes her with question after question on what was discussed. The woman feels uneasy, her state quickly drops, and not knowing any better she engages the man in his stupid and endless chase for security. They fight more and more, and it leads to nothing but problems in the relationship.
The second man sees his girlfriend being hit on by the other man and he takes it as a compliment. He thinks, “Man that guy likes my girlfriend, it must be a compliment to my taste in women.” He amusedly watches as his girlfriend is uncomfortable and dismisses the man trying to pick her up. When his girlfriend comes back to him, he is easy going and positive. He gives her a kiss and she mentions the guy trying to pick her up and she might even ask why her boyfriend didn’t come over to help. His response is of playful amusement, “Honey he was harmless, I trust you. I wouldn’t want a woman other men weren’t interested in.” The subject is dropped and she is rewarded for her good behavior (dismissing the would-be pick up artist). The relationship is better.
The second man knows that he is the best possible option for his woman and that nothing he says is going to change that. This is security in himself. He also knows that the moment he isn’t the best option for her, then she should find someone who is. He is comfortable knowing that he is a high-prize and that he chooses his woman and she chooses him. It is not based on needs. If he had to he could find one just like her and while it may hurt and he doesn’t want to do that, he is secure in himself.
The interesting thing here is that the behavior of not controlling someone’s behavior is actually the more effective one for gaining more commitment from another person. Interrogating a person on their actions in order to get security will push a person away more often than trusting them will. In fact, more cheating happens under the conditions of an insecure man than that of a secure man.
The key here is that you get to decide what you want for the relationship. If you find that you are with an insecure man, you can endure it, accept the relationship standards he sets forth, and you may find yourself in an unbearable situation.
You also have the option of setting new relationship standards and letting him get over his insecurities on his own. You are not his relationship teacher or his helper that fills the missing piece of himself, but you let him do that on his own. It is better for him and then he is not dependent on you.
Or you just find a man who is already relatively secure. This is more challenging, but far more worthwhile. I wish they made more men like this, but I am working on it. This is what women respond to naturally anyway.
The choice is yours.
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