Affirmations suck.

While they might eventually work, do you think that the confident person you want to be is telling himself or herself in a mirror how confident they are every day?

There is an underlying message that you tell yourself each and every time you do these affirmations.

This message is called subcommunication.

A person can change in just a moment, however because change can be so quick, that change has to be reaffirmed by a person’s actions so that it is true in multiple contexts.

For example if I just change how someone sees the world by doing a process and their life is changed going forward, they will still have to keep that change and reaffirm that change with actions they will take in the future going forward.

This is why change is so hard. This is why people think that change is so difficult.

Someone works with me and they want to be a more social person. I can help them see themselves as a totally social person and in the context of being in my presence they are now this social person.

We can even imagine making this change work in multiple contexts so that they have this change locked into place. They are now this wonderfully social person and likely it will work until that point where they choose not to be a social person.

At this moment they have the chance to keep the change that we had created for them or they can go back to the way things used to be. The actions and the messages behind these actions will have a powerful influence on which direction a person goes here.

 

Often change has to happen in these multiple contexts, but something even deeper that is important is the subcommunication within it all.

For our purposes here subcommunication is just the hidden messages behind any surface level communication. This is the communication underneath the communication. Examples:

  • Someone who says, “I can’t wait to see you again.” Implies that they will actually see you again.
  • Someone who texts saying, “What are you doing?” Is likely implying that they might want to spend time with you.
  • Someone who holds up their hand for a high five is subcommunication. An even deeper underlying message behind this communication can be, “We are friends.”
  • Someone who asks, “Will you please close the door?” Is actually subcommunicating the message to the other person to close the door.

These underlying messages are always in our conversations and when you can be more aware of them then you can be an even better communicator.

What might be one of the most important relationships to be a great communicator though is the relationship that you have with yourself.

For change to happen and be lasting it is important that you continually send yourself the right messages about who you are and who you want to be. Affirmations have an implied subcommunication that you are sending to yourself of, “I’m not good enough.” So it’s probably best to throw those out in favorable for more useful communication.

Continually affirm to yourself that you are the person who you want to be with your actions. When you take an action that is congruent with this person that you see yourself becoming and when you do this with congruence is when you tell yourself you are that person.

Affirm to yourself who you are by the actions you are taking in life. 

I have just finished helping someone be a social person. They believe that is who they are now, but they also have to constantly reaffirm they are that person with their actions.

This means that when they are at a social gathering and it is time to be social, they can either embrace that social side of themselves and reaffirm that to be who they are or they can send themselves a message of not being that person and they can revert to that old them that they used to be.

Subcommunication is always happening, but more than anything it’s important to be aware of the messages that you are sending yourself by the actions that you are taking.

You are always telling yourself something about you by every action that you are taking. This is unconscious and happens automatically. If you are telling yourself the right things you will live life how you want to. If not then there is something to work on.

What messages are you sending yourself?

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